Been busy with plotting and preparing this week, so no big revelations or topics for discussion for this entry. Instead, I thought I'd share my query-in-progress for THE ACCIDENTAL WARLOCK, and see if I can get some feedback on it before I send it to the most horrifying place of all.
...no, not the actual querying process. Query Shark. *shudder*
Anyway, I'd appreciate any feedback y'all have to offer. Thank you.
Shiloh Donovan dreams of a book only she can see. She seeks it out, eager for answers, but opening the book frees a disembodied demon. The demon awakens a terrible power within her, a warped and chaotic magic. Shiloh turns this new power against the demon, and banishes it back into the book, but knows she’s in a great deal of trouble. Demonic magic is forbidden in her homeland, under penalty of banishment or death.
On that same day, Shiloh meets Alexi RiLeon. Alexi hails from a powerful merchant family, and has come to broker a deal with Shiloh’s father. Shiloh is drawn to the dark-skinned beauty from first blush, but knows her feelings cannot be requited, as the deal involves Alexi marrying Shiloh’s older brother.
The two women make haste to Donovan Manor, where Shiloh’s parents reveal that she is adopted. Shiloh’s birth parents were part of a cult that worshiped the demon who attacked her; they prepared Shiloh before birth to serve as the demon’s new body. Now the cult has found her, and though she foiled their first attempt, they will stop at nothing to make her the demon’s vessel.
Shiloh takes a portal to her family’s safehouse. Alexi joins her, to offer further protection. But they are too late – the portal sends both women to a distant coastal city. Shiloh realizes only demonic power could have changed the portal’s destination. The cult has people in her house, and now she’s exactly where they want her.
Alexi believes they can hide in her desert homeland, so they seek passage on an airship. She also tells Shiloh she wants to renegotiate the deal so she doesn’t have to marry Shiloh’s brother; Shiloh hopes this means she has a chance with Alexi. But cultists come for them on the airship, and Shiloh’s new powers blaze out of control, sending the ship crashing down. . . .
THE ACCIDENTAL WARLOCK is a young adult fantasy novel of 95,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hey Mason! I am not the best with queries. Still don't know how I landed a publisher with mine. I was taught to do in in three paragraphs, four maximum. So all I can suggest is condense just a little.
ReplyDeleteThe people who go over queries at query shark will be a big help!
Yeah, I was wondering if it was a little too long. I've considered cutting the last paragraph, but I like having the cliffhanger, and I need to make sure the romance gets more than one mention. Thanks, though. ^_^
DeleteI'm going to have to 2nd Alex's statement: 3 paragraphs. Also, I found the beginning mysterioius (great!), but would have liked to have 2-3 more words about the book - something to make it more of a specific book.
ReplyDeleteQuery shark is awesome - I'm sure they'll be a great help.
The book itself is too complicated to get into in the query letter, but I'll see if adding a word or two helps. Even as I try to make it shorter. ^_^
DeleteShorter. I would start with: While living in a land that forbids demonic powers, Shiloh opens a book and unleashes a demon that can only be defeated by the ungodly powers it awakens in her.
ReplyDeleteOr something like that. See if you can't crunch each of these paragraphs into one or two sentences at the very most. According to my research, agents adore queries that can effectively communicate a story in 8 or less sentences.
Hmm. Eight or fewer sentences is a reasonable guideline - I have no idea if I'll be able to pull it off without resorting to hundred-word sentences, but I'll give it a shot.
DeleteYup, I agree with the other commenters - shorter :) I like Crystal's edit a lot, actually. I don't know if it has to be 8 sentences or less, but right now you're trying to fit so much information in that the drama, mystery, and intrigue are getting lost. It's reading more like a one page synopsis than a query (which you'll need to have for querying some agents, anyway, so that's good!! ;) ) Maybe try writing the back cover blurb for TAW, and see how that turns out - that's probably more of the tone you want :)
ReplyDeleteFunny, I was trying to show those things, not lose them. O_o And it's not much of a synopsis if it only covers the first five chapters. Gah! Back to work...
DeleteWell done. You've got my interest. I'd try to shorten it a bit. Most of the agents I query like one paragraph about the book (marketing), one or two about the story (blurb).
ReplyDeleteThank you. ^_^ It's good to know that it's doing what it's supposed to do. As for a paragraph about the book, I've seen that in some queries, but I'm a horrible salesman - attempting to write my own marketing blurbs always turns out badly. So I figured I'd stick to the story.
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