Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Walking on Eggshells

I wasn't sure if I was going to have a blog entry this week.  As melodramatic as I felt ending my last entry the way I did, it was genuinely what I thought at the time.  I mean, what's a writing blog when I can't get myself to write?

Thankfully, I'm doing a little bit better now.  But I couldn't have said that last night.  The only reason I'm typing this right now is because I had an epiphany in the shower.

...yes, I get a great deal of my writing ideas in the shower.  I've been getting jokes about that for as long as I can remember.

To rewind a bit, last Thursday, I had what felt like one of those moments of clarity you hear about in fiction.  In a movie, it would have started with me freezing all of a sudden (probably dropping a glass of some kind for extra comic effect), my eyes springing open wide as I got hit by a whole bunch of ideas all at once.

Thursday and Friday, I hammered out a few pages' worth of details on something brand new.  By Saturday, it was gone, and I spent Sunday and Monday struggling with everything.  I felt like I'd gotten back to what I wanted most, only to have it dashed away.  Last night, I sat here staring at the screen again, forcing out a few paltry sentences on places in the world, trying to make things work and feeling like this new idea was going to end up like everything else I've worked on lately - crashing and burning as I failed to figure out how it was supposed to go.  I didn't know if I would even try working on anything tonight.

Then, as I said, shower epiphany.  A song I'd been listening to while working out (if you've never worked out while listening to Pandora's "classic metal" station, I highly recommend it) wormed its way into my head, and I started applying those ideas to my new stuff.  And now, two and a half pages of history and mythology later, things have worked out pretty well.  Knowing where the world came from and why it's the way it is means I can figure out the rest of the story much more easily than when it was a blank slate.

I'm happy that things are going better, no doubt there.  What bothers me the most, though, is how much it affected me to have things go well and then crash again.

For years, whenever I'm having a bad time with my writing, I'm grumpy and depressed and feel like everything is horrible.  When my writing isn't going well, nothing in my life is going well.  The past few weeks have been the worst case of that I've ever had.  And it's really starting to bother me.

I hate the idea of so much of my moods and my life being based on how my writing's going.  Because that's going to make the bad times even worse, even harder to get through.  And I know I'll have those bad times again.  It really is a question of when, not if.  I don't want to walk this road again every time things get difficult.

As seems to be a common theme in my blog these days, I don't know what to do about this, and I'd appreciate any advice.  Even if this is just one of those "Congratulations, you're a writer" things; that doesn't mean I'm not going to try to counter it.  :P

Thank you all for the kind comments on my last entry; I replied to them last night when I was still feeling horribly down about everything, so anyone who gets notified when they get a response got something really cynical.  >_<  I don't know if I'm fully back to believing in myself yet, but I'm clawing my way up again, and that counts for something.

Finally, I hope that I won't fall like that again anytime soon.  I have enough to work on that's going well right now that I can switch between projects when things aren't working.  I did some good work on a plot on Saturday and I think that one's finally ready to be written.  (Amazing what a genderswap can do.)  I also figured out that one plot needs to be fully detached from the world I put it in, but haven't started in on that one yet, because now I need a new world.

Not yet sure how much I want to talk about any of this, but I'll try to figure that out in next week's entry.

18 comments:

  1. Glad you're back on track. (And I always listen to metal while writing.)
    Maybe you need something else on which to focus when the writing isn't going as planned? If I'm in a slump, I can always fall back on my guitar playing.

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    1. Hmm. That's a good point; I've fallen out of some hobbies I used to have, and never looked into some other stuff I've been curious about. Might have to change that.

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  2. Yay! I missed last week. (Sorry. Sick baby, in-laws, sick me...) So anyway, I'm glad you're moving forward again. Music is THE motivator when all else fails.

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    1. You didn't miss anything good last week, so no worries there. >_< And yeah, I'm not what I'd call fully moving forward, but something is better than nothing.

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  3. I'm glad you're doing better. I've noticed this trend as well, that if my writing is not going well, then nothing in my life goes well. I've never really figured out how to deal with that, but at least I know what to expect when writing problems do inevitably occur.

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    1. True, but expecting it doesn't make it any easier. I can't help but think it makes things worse, because it's like I know tomorrow's going to suck if my writing goes poorly today. Gah.

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  4. Glad things are going better. You could just live in the shower ;) Music is probably more practical. I've always found my swing by going out and pulling weeds, which doesn't fly in the winter. Here's wishing you many more words this week!

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    1. Thank you. And yeah, if I stopped to take a shower every time I needed help with a story point, I'd have an enormous water bill. :P I'd be very clean, though.

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  5. It sounds a bit like a roller-coaster--racing fast, twist, jerk you off to the side, plummet you into the dark cave, and rise again into the sunlight. I hope the music continues to fill your head with inspiration!

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    1. Not a bad metaphor, but trust me, I'd like nothing more right now than to get off this damn coaster and get onto something more steady. >_<

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  6. I have the same connection between writing and mood. It's a self-defeating spiral sometimes, because the more down I get on my writing, the worse I feel, which makes my writing even more difficult, and so on ...

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    1. Exactly. The worse things are going, the harder it is to sit down and work on writing stuff. I can sleep it off sometimes, which helps, but not always.

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  7. People better not be knocking the shower. That's where I get all of my epiphanies, too! lol

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    1. Good to know I'm not the only one. ^_^ But I'll probably be getting jokes about this until the day I die. Assuming they stop then.

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  8. I know what you're talking about.

    That feeling of when the writing suffers, everything suffers. And I think I've figured that out. You, like me, like most everyone in IWSG, identifies themselves as a writer. And when you don't write - when you can't write - it leaves you feeling empty and worthless and not having that purpose.

    When I come across those wretched days (and I do) I remind myself not to freak out and that I'm more than just a writer. It's a big part of me, but not all. I'm a daughter, sister, friend and I have other talents and enjoy other hobbies (not that writing is a hobby but you know what I mean.)

    Everything you're feeling - you're not in it alone. But yay to clarity! And I'm very happy to hear of your shower epiphany!

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    1. Thank you. And yeah, that's why this has been such an existential crisis - if I can't do the one thing I've ever truly wanted to do with my life, then it leads to me asking what am I doing, why am I here, all those questions. >_< That's never good.

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  9. Writing is supposed to bring you happiness...I think the key is to find a way to make that happiness happen. Even when you aren't actively writing, you're still a writer.

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    1. I hear you, but when I get really down, it gets harder and harder to believe that. While I'm (thankfully still) doing better, it leads to some seriously down times.

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