I have been here too many times.
This past Sunday, I got back to querying THE BOOK OF LOST RUNES, and as I noted elsewhere, it felt like an exercise in futility. Not because of the usual round of rejections and silence; I'm used to that by now. It felt futile because I can't think of that book anymore without wanting to toss it aside like everything else I've ever written.
I don't get it. I really don't. When I edited that thing, I thought I nailed it. I was happy with most of how it turned out, and put it through some major revisions to make it better. Now? Now I see eighty-four thousand words' worth of flaws and mistakes. I could go on and on about what's wrong with it, but I try to keep these entries at a reasonable length, and so much of what's wrong with it is the same stuff that's wrong with many of my other books.
So here I am, still querying a book I don't even want to think about any more, and strongly considering trunking it. But to what end, I ask myself. To spend another year trying to write something worth a damn? To hope that somehow I figure out something I not only want to tell but to actually manage to get a coherent plot out of it, write the novel, edit and polish it, beg people to read it, wait for their feedback, further edit and polish the thing, and start this whole process all over again?
And it hit me, somewhere in the middle of all this, what the real problem is: I have completely lost faith in my own ability to write.
Trying to write again has only made this more clear. Monday was supposed to be the end of my break. I thought I'd be ready to sit down and work as soon as I got home. No. It was like nothing had changed. I stalled. I did whatever I could to delay. When the time came that I forced myself to get started, I just typed out the notes I'd scribbled down since my break started and added a few more details. Some of that was for a sequel to a book I probably won't ever write, some of it was for another story that's just another cluster of half-formed ideas. Tuesday was no better - I typed out maybe three paragraphs on an idea that already feels doomed before giving it up. I really liked the idea when I first thought of it, but as soon as I started writing stuff down about it, it just... died.
I don't know where to go from here. Clearly taking a break didn't help; if anything, it didn't address the actual problem and probably made things worse, because now I know I can go without writing. I'm a miserable fuck without it, but I'm a miserable fuck with it, so really, what's the difference? Being a miserable fuck still chasing a dream and being no closer to it than I was when I queried my first book back in 2001?
Hell, I didn't even want to write this entry. Talking about it like this feels melodramatic and overblown, and I'm surprised I even have readers here anymore, with all the damn whining I've done. But I had to get this out, because I'm seeing the one thing I've ever wanted to do with my life die inside me, and I don't know what to do.
Next entry: I don't know. I don't even know if there will be one.
Huh, blogger didn't like my comment. it said it was too long, so I sent you an email rather than edit it.
ReplyDeleteGot back to you on that, sort of.
DeleteI think the longer you look at ANY book, the more you can pick apart its flaws...especially your own. That inner critic can really be a devil. I think you have to recognize those doubts for what they are and find a way to keep going until you feel more confident. The more you write, the more that confidence builds, I've found. Although you'll always have a small voice in the back of your head telling you, "I suck!" I think even Stephen King probably has that...
ReplyDeleteI don't know. If writing more built more confidence, I wouldn't be having this problem in the first place.
DeleteWhat Stephanie said.
ReplyDeleteLet a couple other writers look at the book. They might help spur excitement in it again.
Why would I have someone read a book that I no longer think is worth reading?
DeleteSeveral years ago, I went through a particularly dark moment with my writing. I asked myself over and over again, "Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I putting myself through this?" And so I gave up on my manuscript and I gave up on the idea of being a writer.
ReplyDeleteIn the aftermath of that decision, I did end up scribbling a few notes for story ideas, I guess because I couldn't help it. I had no intention of pursuing them. But slowly those story ideas started coalescing. They turned into something that I started to get excited about, and soon I got back into writing.
As for the manuscript from before, the one that I hated so much that it made me stop writing... I'm never going back to it. But I've cannibalized the old manuscript for characters, settings, and other things. So all that work did not go to waste.
I don't really have any advice for you. I can only tell you that I understand. I went through a deep (and frightening) depression because my writing career wasn't going the way I wanted it to. And I can tell you that I worked through it and came out a better writer and (more importantly) a happier person as a result. I believe that you can too.
I appreciate that, and I'm glad you found a way back from where you were, but I've gotten to the point where hearing things like that doesn't help me. It's always like, okay, that's them, not me.
DeleteYou're being too hard on yourself, Mason. To an unhealthy level. I think you're forcing it and if you don't enjoy something, it's not going to happen.
ReplyDeleteDon't think about the end result. Screw it if you "never make it." Get back to writing because you love doing it. In fact, write like you'll never show it to anyone. Do it because it makes you happy and if it doesn't, then you need to take a real long break. This is for you, first. Remember that.
And if it's any help, I think you're *quite* talented.
I appreciate that, especially since you've actually read my work. And I know I'm too hard on myself. But I don't know how to not be.
DeleteI think the issue here is that your writing is usually doing something different. Something new. Something unusual. In this climate publishers are after the next thing they think will get a movie deal or just ... clones of things that have worked before. I think the solution for you is to push your work out there in a different, new and unusual way. How or what I am not sure. I wish I lived nearby, what I'd do is create a little video for you to market it. If I was good enough. It's not you that has the problem here, it's them. How many incredible books went through dozens of rejections? How many more are still out there, unpublished, unusual and original stories are out there un-read because nobody will take that first chance?
ReplyDeleteIt might be a sign. For you to find another path to where you want to be with your publishing. Don't give up on the stories!! They're GOOD and I want to read more of them and if I do then plenty others will too.
Have you considered writing a small series for amazon's ebook publishing? A lady here at work does and while she's really keen to be published 'traditional' one day it is getting her name out there and getting her lots of feedback. She says the thing that works is a series of smaller stories, cheap but that'll hook people in and make them want to keep reading - something you've never had a problem with I can never put your books down! That's not where you want to be of course but imagine going to a publisher as "as the successful author of the X series, with a readership of NUBMAHS I'm (long intro here)". I dunno, though. I'm no published author but all of the authors I do know personally are self published now, even the one who had a book published traditionally the first time went for self so she had control over it.
ps the urge to write comes from the soul, it can't die, it can only wither - but something will bloom from there soon enough, trust me. I've been there. I used to write copiously as a kid but by the time I got to college I'd stopped for many many reasons. Didn't ever expect to write again then one day out of nowhere a story hit my head like a truck and I couldn't not write it, I could barely function at all outside of writing it. I sat and wrote for days on end, it's still the longest thing I've ever written at well over 180k. Every so often I get to the point where I think "I suck at this, everything I do sucks why do I bother" and I give up and then bang, out of the blue something will launch itself out of me force-ably and it's all I can do to keep the ole body fed and watered until it's over. Don't force it. It'll come. Writers are like dams, the water may run dry but the rains are out there, somewhere, it'll hit you like a flood you never knew was there or even possible.
ReplyDeleteThank you. But I still feel like you have way too much faith in my work, much more than it deserves.
DeleteI'll join the horrible writer's society if you start one. I think a lot of it has to do with self-doubt. I can't go back and read things later without cringing. There are always mistakes, always things that should have been worded differently, always plot holes big enough for semi trucks could sink into. I honestly just asked a CP if my recent MS was trash because it felt like it to me. But I think that's natural and a good sign (as long as we don't let the self-doubt take control). It shows we want to improve. I'll be more scared if I can look at something and say 'this is perfect'. Then something is wrong.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I know that a lot of people say only bad writers look at their work and think it's amazing. But at least that makes it easier for them to keep going and get good. Me, I just plain don't know anymore.
DeleteDrinking Red Bull usually helps me when I get down. I know that's not terribly helpful advice. I'm an indulgent person who will drown my sorrows in caffeine and sugar, and usually pasta or potato chips too. But after that, I switch gears and work on something I love. Some might call it avoidance. Okay, so it is avoidance. But hey, I think we've all been there.
ReplyDeleteAnd so you know, you don't suck.
Thank you. (Even if I don't believe you.) And none of the things I usually do to get myself going with writing are working anymore.
DeleteFirst of all, it's perfectly normal to see all the flaws in your work after you send it out. It happened when I queried, and it happens every time one of my works goes on submission.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I revised my manuscript continuously while I queried it. I queried in batches of 5-8, and then I revised. Sometimes it was based on rejection and/or feedback. Sometimes it was based on silence. I know a lot of people don't do this, but I did, and when I finally got an offer of representation, I knew it was because of the query revisions. She would not have taken the manuscript I sent out with my first query.
I check over my query after every few weeks of submissions, and never change more than a word or two. Drives me mad just like everything else does. -_-
DeleteWe've all been there. I agree with Alex about letting some other writers take a look at it. Sometimes fear drives that doubt, so it might be that you just need a few people to encourage you to help you believe in yourself again.
ReplyDeleteI've got nothing but that, in this entire entry and my last few. I just don't believe any of it.
Delete