So. Something happened a few weeks ago, something good, something that will have me nervous about checking my e-mail every day for the next three to four months. I'd like to say this was inspiring. I'd like to say this was what I needed to have more confidence in my work, and that I've been getting more done lately. I'd like to say that this has led to me querying more, in hopes of making it happen again. I'd like to say I think it's going to turn out well.
But I can't say any of that.
I haven't felt the desire to write anything in the past week. I haven't felt the desire to write anything in the past damn month except for the character bits I posted over the past few weeks, and those were done half out of desperation to get something, anything, done and half out of feeling like I should have something for the blog besides more of my whining.
Even the blog's not an exception - every post I've made lately, I've wondered if it would be the last one, if I'd close it off with "I'm putting this thing on indefinite hiatus, maybe I'll start it up again when I have something worth saying." Hell, I wasn't even going to make a blog post this week. I thought a lot about just not updating anymore and seeing if anybody noticed. That felt a little too dramatic, though.
So here I am, halfway through a post and feeling like I've said nothing of note because I don't know what to do. I've tried everything I can think of to pull myself together and get back to work. I've taken breaks, to no avail. The short stuff last month was another attempt, and it was all right, but feeling like I still couldn't get a hold of that last character despite living with her in my head for at least a year killed it for me. I've tried being easier on myself about this whole mess, but that's something I just plain don't know how to do; my therapist has tried to help me figure out how to not be so hard on myself about damn near everything but nothing's worked so far.
Everything I think about working on, I just... I don't even want to try. Because everything I've tried for the past year and more has fallen apart. And I don't even remember the last time I had a new idea to write down.
I'm sorry that, yet again, this is all I have to talk about. I'm sick of it myself. I wish I had anything else to share.
Hope you get good news in your email.
ReplyDeleteMaybe a little outside pressure would help? Like submitting something for a contest - with a deadline, you might make it happen.
Oog, no. The last thing I need is pressure. Odds are good a contest would only make things worse - if I couldn't get it done in time, I'd feel bad, and even if I did, I'd feel bad if I didn't win. Lose/lose.
DeleteHere's hoping you hear some great news soon! It can take forever before those responses come in. I get to the point that I forgot I sent some of them out. I like Alex's idea of submitting under a deadline. It does help to force yourself into that writing chair. Even if it's not a genre you usually would attack, it can work wonders.
ReplyDeleteNot doing the contest, as I said to Alex. Pressure will not help me - I did fine the one time I had a deadline, but that was from someone else. Giving myself a deadline would only stress me out more.
DeleteI have to agree, I do much better under pressure. Or, go outside and pick a tree, any tree, and describe the things it's seen and heard - the secrets it could hold may surprise you ;-)
ReplyDelete...I genuinely don't get why people think adding more pressure will help me. >_<
DeleteInteresting to see some people thrive under pressure. Me, I usually end up in a downward spiral of despair and resentment where I wind up bitter and angry. But, as we've long since determined, you and I work differently and therefore outside pressure might help.
ReplyDeleteI've been out of the blog loop for the past few weeks, so I haven't gotten to read your last two entries, but they're on my list. I have no suggestions to help your situation. Sorry.
I think you and I are in about the same place about the pressure thing. >_< As for the story stuff, no worries; it's not going anywhere. You're not missing much anyway.
DeleteFirst, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I truly, truly am.
ReplyDeleteI do think you're focused too much on it. You're concentrating so hard on forcing the creativity that you're blocking it from flowing naturally. Don't pressure yourself into feeling things; feel them for yourself, when the time is right, when you feel inspired or curious. And write for yourself. Remember, it's healing.
Good luck! (and I may only check in monthly - but I still check in. You, Loni and C.D. Gallant are my three 'musts.' I love reading all of yours posts.)
I don't feel like I'm forcing the creativity, it's more like there's just... nothing there, most of the time. And that worries me, which makes everything harder. I am trying to pull back and not focus too much on one project, though. We'll see how it goes.
DeleteI'm weeks behind with reading these IWSG posts, but I'm glad I came by here, if only to say...sometimes, the writing just won't happen. That's been my experience, anyway. And beating myself up about it has never helped. But I think that your instinct to write *something* even if only character sketches or something else is sound. It's like going your scales on the piano, even if you never work on any songs: you'll at least have the muscles there to use when you are ready to go back to it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, from another writer who's not doing much right now.
—Rebecca
My IWSG Post
Thank you. And yes, I am trying to get something, *anything* done. Real trouble is, most of the time there's nothing there. -_-
Delete