So things are looking up since last week. Thanks to a great suggestion from Liz on how to start it, and a helpful link from Rena on how to bring it home, I've got a decent query going for The Book of Lost Runes.
However, much like with everything else in this job, I could use some feedback. The query's below the cut, and I'd appreciate any input. Thanks. ^_^
Dear [Agent]:
Shiloh Donovan ruined her family’s fortunes with a kiss. She and Alexi RiLeon were meant to be the brides in two arranged marriages to the sons of House Figaro, but their kiss brought that deal crashing down. Ten years later, Edwin Figaro comes to Shiloh with a job that requires her utmost secrecy. In return, he offers a chance to restore her family’s fortunes.
But Alexi has been busy over the past decade. She’s discovered House Figaro is smuggling artifacts out of Cordobrae, the magic-infused desert wasteland she calls home. When Alexi and Shiloh reunite, they rekindle their long-lost romance, and share all they know of what House Figaro has to hide. They convince Edwin to include Alexi in his job offer, while plotting to dig up all his house’s secrets and use them to make him sweeten the deals.
What Shiloh and Alexi learn goes deeper than any under-the-table dealings. House Figaro is in league with House Daedalus, a minotaur family seeking to restore their peoples’ long-lost empire. To aid this conquest, House Daedalus seeks three books of the ancient magic that created Cordobrae.
Shiloh and Alexi steal one of the books from House Daedalus, but also learn that the minotaurs’ first step in forcibly recreating their empire is an attack on Targen, Shiloh’s home city. To save her home and keep the minotaurs from creating a new wasteland, Shiloh must delve into the ancient magic herself, and learn the mysteries of The Book of Lost Runes.
Airships, blackmail, and ancient magic collide in THE BOOK OF LOST RUNES, a fantasy novel of 80,000 words. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Shiloh Donovan ruined her family’s fortunes [fortune] with a kiss. She and Alexi RiLeon were meant to be the brides in two arranged marriages to the sons of House Figaro, but their kiss brought that deal crashing down. Ten years later, Edwin Figaro comes to Shiloh with a job that requires her utmost secrecy. In return, he offers a chance to restore her family’s fortunes [fortune]. [Consider: Ten years later, Edwin Figaro comes to Shiloh with a proposition--do a job in utmost secrecy for a chance to restore her family’s fortune.]
ReplyDeleteBut Alexi has been busy over the past decade. [Consider: But Alexi is a decade wiser. or But Alexi has a secret of her own.] She’s discovered House Figaro is smuggling artifacts out of Cordobrae, the magic-infused desert wasteland she calls home. When Alexi and Shiloh reunite, they rekindle their long-lost romance, and share all they know of what House Figaro has to hide. They convince Edwin to include Alexi in his job offer, while plotting to dig up all his house’s secrets and use them to make him sweeten the deals.
What Shiloh and Alexi learn goes deeper than any under-the-table dealings. House Figaro is in league with House Daedalus, a minotaur family seeking to restore their peoples’ [people's (people is already plural)] long-lost empire. To aid this conquest, House Daedalus seeks [the (if there are only three...the way it is makes me think there are more than that and they only want three of them)] three books of the [if you add the other 'the', cut this one] ancient magic that created Cordobrae. [Consider altering the wording to tell how powerful these books are.]
Shiloh and Alexi steal one of the books from House Daedalus, but also learn that the minotaurs’ first step in forcibly recreating their empire is an attack on Targen, Shiloh’s home city. To save her home and keep the minotaurs from creating a new wasteland, Shiloh must delve into the ancient magic herself, and learn the mysteries of The Book of Lost Runes.
Airships, blackmail, and ancient magic collide in THE BOOK OF LOST RUNES, a fantasy novel of 80,000 words. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
[I'm not a query expert, but I think it's pretty good. My only other advice would be to check your spacing. I assume it's the same for queries as MSs - only one space after sentences. Good luck, Mason! :) ]
P.S. Missed one... No comma after herself. (compound verb, and reflexive pronouns used like this don't need to be set off with commas)
DeleteSome good changes here, thank you. ^_^ I have a lot of things to fix, but I'm going to use some of this.
DeleteAs for the spacing, if someone rejects me because I put two spaces after a sentence instead of one, then I'd rather not work with them, since they clearly care more about something I can fix with find/replace than the actual writing. -_-
Mason, this reads more like a synopsis than a query to me. You've outlined more of the plot than necessary, getting into a lot of details and naming (I think) 8 different people, houses, and locations.
ReplyDeleteA query should focus on Character, Conflict, and Stakes -- and I think you also need to give us a better flavor of your world. I see mention of magic and minotaurs -- but where are the airships that are mentioned in your final paragraph? Is there some steampunk in this fantasy novel?
Are Alexi and Shiloh equally main characters? Even if they are, it is recommended that a query pick one MC to focus on. Give us the flavor of that character's personality and present the Conflict from her point of view -- and the Stakes for her if she does not succeed. It's fine to name the other one and make it clear that she is important, but write the whole query from ONE perspective.
I still want to recommend Matt McNish's site as an excellent place to get query advice: http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/
I did feel like the letter went on for a bit too long, but I also felt that I needed to get the significant plot twist in there, as that defines a great deal of the book. I am going to make sure to find a way to get the airship thing in there, though.
DeleteThat first line is great! My immediate thought at sentence 3 was, "Oh, another character?" I'd suggest limiting the # of names to 2 or less for a query, using people's roles in the story rather than names beyond that.
ReplyDeleteThat's definitely something I'm going to work on. I might keep Edwin's name in there, to prevent confusion with too many people or groups that aren't named, but I won't know until I actually rewrite it.
DeleteI'm with Dianne - and I think it reads more like a query because it needs to be cut down. It's a little too long. Focus on Shiloh (and mention Alexi, of course) because the story is really hers, and give us a taste of the danger but not all the details. we don't need to know about the books, or House Daedalus's name. All we need to know is that the minotaurs are threatening mass destruction, and that Shiloh has to stop them.
ReplyDeleteAnd hey, I'm so glad that suggestion helped!!! :)
I did think about removing House Daedalus's name, and I'm going to see how that works out. I'd like to keep the books in, though, because that's where the title comes from. Hrm.
DeleteI agree with Dianne - there are a lot of people. And I'm not sure who is male or female. But it did have a great first line!
ReplyDeleteThe second line refers to Shiloh and Alexi both as brides, and the line after Edwin's mentioned refers to him as "him", so I'm not sure where the confusion is coming from. :P
DeleteI love your first line! I do think you have a lot of characters in here (it might confuse an agent). I'd suggest paring it down so that we get a good sense of the main character, their goal, and main conflict, and leave with a hint about the biggest moment of danger your character will face (but without giving too much away) before wrapping it up. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThose are some good guidelines, thanks. ^_^ And yes, it's clear I've named too many people and places in this, so I'll definitely pare that down.
Delete