This entry was largely inspired by my last one. Which is possibly the most depressing inspiration I've ever had.
I started writing my first book in June of 1998, late at night in a dorm room I was soon to move out of. I finished it three years later, in May of 2001, and for some reason, I thought it had a chance at getting published. Self-depreciation aside, that's a hell of a thing to look back and see. I've been trying to get published for fifteen years, been writing books for eighteen years. And that's not even counting the assload of stuff I wrote, short stories and long stories and random bits and pieces, for years before I finally started on what would actually become a book.
And in all the time since then, it feels like very little has changed. I'm still sitting here, trying my damnedest to get these ideas and stories out of my head and into actual words, and having a hell of a lot more misses than hits with that. I'm still struggling to write something that comes out worth a damn and feels like it has a chance at getting published. I'm still waiting to hear anything but "no" or silence from an agent.
Fifteen years is a long, long time to have the same problems.
I know that comparing ourselves to others in this whole writing thing does no good, and I know there's confirmation bias at work when I feel like everyone else out there is doing better than me. But it's really damn hard to not do that. I read an article recently on a blog where an author talked about how they'd started writing around five years ago, and how important it was to not give up, because now they had an agent and had sold two of their books, which were soon to be published.
And I'm sitting here thinking, "You telling me not to give up is like complaining about the phantom pains from your missing finger and the life adjustments you've had to make to account for it, while I'm sitting here with no legs and a plastic bag where my intestines used to be."
I try to make colorful metaphors when I'm angry. It's a little more productive than yelling.
I know this is all stuff I've talked about before. It's stuff I'll talk about again during the next attempt at publishing, whether that's with STARWIND or whatever comes next. (This is the part where I'd hint at things I'm working on, but I'm getting absolutely fucking nowhere with any of them, so I don't even feel like being cryptic.) That's why last week's entry was an inspiration for this one - it feels like every problem I have to talk about here, it's something I've already talked about.
Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I've thought about putting the blog on hiatus, because I'm tired of listening to my own whining. I don't think that would do any good, though. It helps to vent a little, and I do appreciate the support from y'all in the comments. But it's one thing to have the same problems for fifteen years. It's another thing to keep babbling about them for the few people willing to listen for four years straight.
As usual, I don't know what to do about any of this other than keep trying. Even if it feels like Sisyphus himself would call me a fool.
Next week: might be thoughts on the start of edits on STARWIND. Might be a hiatus announcement if the book turns out to suck. We shall see.
It does suck to watch others enjoy success when it's eluded you for so long. You hear don't give up, but it's hard. Don't feel bad about that.
ReplyDeleteI imagine if I'd gone after agents, I'd still be hearing crickets as well.
It is hard, and I feel like I keep going through the same cycles of feeling like I'd quit if I could and then going back to feeling determined and then... yeah. >_<
DeleteI totally remember being there. You know, my debut novel was 10+ years old by the time it got picked up by a publisher? Honestly, I think going to small publisher or small anthology route is the way to go at first. Agents are much more likely to hop on the train if you've already got a publishing deal. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it's true.
ReplyDeleteTen years trying to get one book published? Wow. O_o I admire your dedication in that, that's really impressive.
DeleteExcept for anthologies, I'm still twiddling my fingers...and not even wanting to know for how many years I've been doing it (better not to think about it). After two agents, I'm no longer so hot on that trail. Not that I have anything against them (both wonderful people), but I've learned that route may not always be the only or best one to choose.
ReplyDeleteI understand it's not the only route, but it feels like it's the best route for me. Though I do keep notes on other possibilities as I go.
DeleteI agree with Crystal about trying a small press. And I'm not even sure if people do this, but it might even be worth it to get several full manuscript critiques from some literary agents (or at least someone in the business). If someone in the business (I mean someone legit, not just someone who used to wave at the agents on their way into the office) offers this service for a fee, they might be able to give you some invaluable insight on your work--good or bad. It might also be worth it to go to a few writers conference a year to meet a literary agent or two. I know at The Squaw Valley Writers Workshop, for instance, agents are just milling around at dinner and in between panels, waiting to talk to writers (I've been there). And if you just so happen to have the first chapter of your book with you, they just might read it. In any event, I'd hate to see you give up, but whatever you decide, good luck.
ReplyDeleteI have considered small presses, and had a few noted down that I was going to submit BoLR to before I decided to trunk that. I know STARWIND is an unusual title, so it might do better with a small press. We shall see.
DeleteAnd I am going to a writing conference later this year, in September. It's also a cruise. ^_^
Yeah, I want to slap the youngsters who started writing 5 years ago and waited SO LONG and now have 3 books under contract.
ReplyDeleteI started writing when I was 5 years old. (Okay, I drew the pictures and my dad wrote the words for me.) My first traditionally published book released when I was 45. (I only self-published one, when I was 42, and it's the same one that got re-published by a traditional publisher 3 years later.)
So, that amounts to only 40 years before I got my big break.
Heh! I think I wrote my first story when I was six or seven years old, so I hear you there. And I started writing regularly when I was twelve or thirteen, five or six years before I started my first actual book. I try not to count back that far, though, as it only makes things worse. >_<
DeleteHave you considered self publishing something on amazon - like something small and fun and that you can get some kudos from - then see that you are completely worthy and the world NEEDS your books - if publishers can't see that then that's their loss - lady at my work is self publishing on amazon she said have a series of small books that you work, she makes enough that she's only having to work 1-2 days a week in a "normal" job. I bet you could do it. I'd buy a book from you on amazon for certs!
ReplyDeleteI know you would, and I appreciate it, but... yeah. There are always self-publishing success stories, but I have no doubt there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people who've done self-publishing and had nothing come of it.
DeleteThere are lots of reasons I don't want to self-publish, but having that crash and burn would be even more crushing than the endless silence and rejections from agents. >_<
After eighteen years of writing the same story (multiple times until it turned into a saga, heh) and trying to get it published only to be told it was unmarketable, I just said "f-- it!" and self published. I've also had two other books accepted by two small publishers and, have just hauled the last of them out of their hands to re-publish. I find it less stressful to be in full charge of the process.
ReplyDeleteBeing in full charge of the process is part of why I don't want to self-publish. In addition to having to handle all aspects of putting the book together, the thought of having to do my own marketing and advertising makes me cringe. I've worked enough retail to know I'm a horrible salesman.
DeleteEven being with a publisher, I had to handle most of the marketing. Most smaller publishers seem to be like that, at least the two I was with were. The only difference I could see was the putting together of the book and not paying for the editing.
DeleteI wish I had encouragement for you with words that it'll get better. But I suck at that stuff, so all I can offer is that I really like your work. I know that doesn't mean much from a peon like me. I also know that though it might bring a momentary smile, it won't smite that awful feeling of being inadequate (that's me speaking from experience there).
ReplyDeleteHow many critique partners do you have? Have you tried seeking out any new ones to get a deep critique on your writing? Sometimes a new opinion might give you ideas on your existing project. Have you joined any forums? I like to lurk at Mythic Scribes. Many people there have tons of experience and might have helpful feedback and encouragement (and some are just as clueless as I am). Perhaps a bit of both might help create a positive vibe?
Not sure why you'd call yourself a peon, what with you actually having books out there and all that. You're doing a lot better than me on that alone. :P
DeleteBut thank you. I will look into Mythic Scribes, hadn't heard of the place but it might help. And it's the feelings of inadequacy that come back to bite me every time, so... yeah. No idea, as per usual.