Wednesday, March 1, 2017

IWSG: I Want to Quit.

This is not an entry I wanted to write, but I have to go with what's on my mind.  And if you're expecting this to be one of those times where I figure things out along the way and end on a hopeful note, that's not happening today.

But nothing is happening for me lately, so that fits.

I am so sick of all of this.  Of watching ideas crash and burn because I can't figure out what the hell's supposed to happen.  Of throwing myself into something and losing interest in it after a month or a week or a few days.  Of trying to get my work out there (on the rare occasions when I think it's worth sharing) and getting nothing but reinforcement for my feeling that nobody wants it.

I want to quit.  But I don't know what else I'd do with myself.  There's nothing else I've ever wanted out of life; I've wanted to be a writer since I was a kid.  Any other job I considered was just another way to tell stories, and I eventually shunned them all for the real thing.  And now here I am, at thirty-seven years and fifteen books and easily over two million words over the course of my life, nowhere closer to my dream and without a damned thing to show for it.

I feel like the querying process has finally broken me this time.  I knew STARWIND wasn't going to be an easy sell.  It's a weird book, but it's exactly what I want it to be.  And while I felt lucky to find a few agents who sounded like it would suit them, the search since then has been a real struggle.  If I was writing YA, or romance, or contemporary or just about goddamn anything else but what I want to write, I'd have an easier time.

And it really doesn't help when I fuck things up before someone can even say no.

To make things worse, out of the book's beta readers, one quit after ten or eleven chapters, one gave very little feedback that was mostly negative, and one hasn't said a single word to me about it after more than two months.  (The other two beta readers were very helpful; you know who you are.)  It's one thing to write books that no one reads, I'm used to that.  It's another thing when people who ask to read it either don't read it or have almost nothing good to say.

Also, the book itself has started to feel stupid to me, like something I would have come up with back in high school.  I read my first pages when putting them after query letters and roll my eyes.  This could be my usual self-deprecation, but I don't even know anymore.

So now I'm sitting here with a book I'm losing faith in, no idea what to write next because not a damn thing is working, and wondering if there's a point to bothering with this shit anymore.  Ideas keep coming whether I want them or not, but everything I think of seems stupid.  And everything I do ends the same way: abandoned or trunked.

I want to quit.  But that's probably the only way to make everything worse.

16 comments:

  1. Take a break. Don't quit, just take a break. You need recharging. Desperately.
    Would you call Starwind science fiction? My publisher accepts science fiction and fantasy.

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    1. Taking a break won't help, I think - I'll have the same issues when I get back. >_< But I haven't been putting pressure on myself to work, which amounts to the same thing.

      And STARWIND is science fantasy - to try to put it as either sci-fi or fantasy would be dishonest. That's part of why it'll be hard to find it a home. But I'll look into your publisher.

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  2. I'm so sorry you feel this way.

    I agree with Alex about taking a break. Don't allow yourself to write, or even look at your writing for a week. Don't talk about it, or listen to anyone else's opinion. Try not to even think about it.

    Read instead – for pleasure, not research or anything you feel you 'should' read. Time spent reading good books is never wasted.

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    1. I'm on my seventh book so far this year (only sixth if you count the one I stopped after twenty-something pages, but still). Reading plenty is never an issue for me. ^_^

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  3. Damn. Sorry it's getting you down. I had another blogger friend who quit writing. She returned later, but this was her experience. I hope you manage to work through it, Mason. There is a market for STARWIND. It can break free.

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    1. I hope you're right. I'm glad things worked out so well for your friend, but I tend to never think things will go that well for me.

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  4. So here's something I've learned along the way. Big publisher/agents are all about stories that easily fit into their preexisting labels. They want certain aspects--like a multicultural cast, but they want the same formula they know they can sell and have been selling for ages. Small publishers are less picky. Some even take on bizarre genre mashups, but it's going to be a hard sell because they have to find your niche. If you know of a book that fits the same niche, discover who the publisher is. Track them down and query. Don't bother going to people who aren't interested in your particular brand of awesome. And if that doesn't work out, self publish. Seriously. Who cares if it sells a million books. Just having yours out in the world is beyond amazing. Don't let other people's no's become your own. Find your space. It's out there.

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    1. I've heard this from others as well, and I am starting to think that a small press might be better. So I'm going to start looking into those. Still not self-publishing, though. :P

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  5. Sounds like you need a writing fast--a few weeks or even months of doing other creative, non-writing activities. What else brings you joy? What have you wanted to try but haven't yet made time for? I'll bet doing something else for a while would be like an infusion of new blood for your writing. Best of luck.

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    1. I have been working on some other stuff, more like side projects that are still writing but not for publication. Just taking down notes on those has been a bit helpful, largely because there's no pressure.

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  6. OMG YES to what everyone is saying. Don't quit, take a break. Self publish and know that there IS a niche for your book.

    And I'm sooo sorry you're feeling this way. If it helps, I think we all feel this exact thing. It's a bitch but you're going to get through it. You will.

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    1. Still not self-publishing; I don't want to have to deal with handling everything myself. >_< But thank you. I'm trying to see this whole mess as a time to re-evaluate how I want to do things and see about finding a different way.

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  7. I'm glad everyone is already giving you such sound advice. I don't have much to add except to say that this one hurts so much because it's a really real part of you. You put something so perfectly you into this manuscript that it hurts more than any of the others because it feels like they are rejecting you specifically.

    You are doing amazing work. Now, go watch a little Ze Frank then read my email.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWVElQ6NfcE

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    1. That is a lot of it, yeah - at the risk of flexing my ego, STARWIND does feel like it couldn't come from anybody but me. >_<

      And that video was helpful. Also, that guy's eyebrow movements are insane.

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  8. Sounds like it's time to step back and do (what I call) life research, which means simply to live and think about other things for awhile. Even writers need vacations, and life is where stories come from. Sorry about the querying process. It's hard not to let it get you down. I just look at the letters as an automatic 'no thanks' when I send them out and have a happy dance when something besides that comes in. It's a very hard game. . .and it can take years even before a very good MS is snatched up.

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    1. Gah. If I thought of them as saying "no" before I even sent queries, I'd never send any. >_< I need that hope of it working out to even try. But as I said above, I'm re-evaluating things, and we'll see how it goes.

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