Yes, yes, I know the joke. None of us actually know what we're doing. But with everything that I haven't been able to make happen for myself and all that hasn't been working, I'm starting to feel like if there's a way to know less than nothing about all of this, that's where I am.I'd say something about what started me feeling like this or how I got here, but really, this me in the same place I've been for the entire past year, ever since I finished STARWIND. Everything I try to work on still falls apart. Every single time I try to develop something from an idea into an actual story, I still can't figure out how it's supposed to go, or I lose interest in it after a few pages' worth of development, or something else happens. The thing I'm working on now, I sit down and work on it for maybe ten to fifteen minutes, enough to hash out a page or two of character stuff, before it all seems pointless. In the past year, the only plot I've managed to finish and get into workable condition is the sequel to STARWIND, which doesn't matter because odds are good I'll never have reason to write it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm not even writing things down anymore. For all the times I've talked about how I write down all my ideas, in case I can use them someday, I haven't bothered with that recently. Because it feels like it doesn't matter. Because it feels like no matter what I do, everything's going to turn out the same. It'll either be a few lines in my idea file that never develops beyond that, or something that crashes and burns or just goes *pfft* at some point when I attempt actual development. So really, what's the point.
And to make this all worse (because of course it can get worse) I don't know how to do things any differently. I've tried to write stories without knowing how they go from the start, and that only leads to me writing shit. I don't want to do short fiction because I don't like it and I already wasted years trying to make it work for me, to no avail. So here I am with the one damn thing I want out of life and I don't know how to make it work.
As per fucking usual. I'd think I'd be used to this by now. Not that being used to it would change anything, or make it any easier.
To make things yet still worse, this is all on me. Nobody is keeping me from figuring my stories out. Nobody is making me lose interest in something that once fascinated me. Simply put, I am the problem, and I am the reason it's not working out.
And I don't know how to fix me.
Sounds like you might need to try going to a writer's conference or gathering, or something. The trials of writing are vast and painful even when things are all roses. Finding and connecting with other writers--in person--can really help. It's not you, it is the interface between creation and publishing, and it is cruel. Right now, you seem focused on the end game, the publication side of it, and that's not where most people who are involved in writing gain their strength. It is the creation of the writing, not it's end result. I try to think of the novel as being its own entity, and it deserves the time and attention you give it to be made. It deserves to exist for the sake of creation. What happens after is a whole other ball game.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, if the idea does not deserve to exist, well, you don't need to torture yourself creating it.
Novels need to be things that give you pride in making, to be able to look back at your creations and say, I made those, and even though they are flawed, I still love them. There's a lot of self satisfactiin in that place.
I think you misunderstood me; this isn't about publishing. There's no need to worry about publishing a story when I can't even figure the damn story out. >_< As for everything else, I just don't know. I can't even be sure about feeling any satisfaction from this, though that might be depression talking.
DeleteWhat Rena said about going to a conference. Or working with another writer? I know several who've co-authored books and it seems like a great motivator.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but I don't like the idea of writing a book with someone else at all. >_<
DeleteA conference might really be a good idea. Or go for something small like shorts or flash fiction for a bit? A small writing group which meets online once a week (or in real life) can work wonders too. Or sometimes, we simply need to step back and do something totally different for awhile. If you find the magic cure, let me know.
ReplyDeleteI did a conference of sorts last year (the Writing Excuses cruise), and as I said, I don't like writing short fiction. And my history with writing groups is... bad. Nothing quite like writing crap for the group, knowing it's crap, and getting told it's crap.
DeleteSorry to hear you're struggling. Unfortunately, you and I are vastly different in when it comes to how we work in writing, so anything I say is pretty unhelpful. I work in scenes and unless it's one of the big books, I don't spend long thinking out a plot. Like I said, not helpful.
ReplyDeleteIf you do decide to pursue a conference, I've heard really great things about http://writerunboxed.com/. A personal friend has been to several conferences both in state and out, and she said this one was worth traveling across the country for. Unfortunately, it looks like they don't have one of their conferences scheduled at the moment.
Thanks, though. And I don't know how much good a conference would do - I did the cruise thing last year, and I came out of it with the same troubles I had going in. Attempting to hammer out a plot while on the boat ruined my desire to ever work on that story again.
DeleteWhat about rewriting a familiar story? One where the plot is already set up, but you give it a twist. For instance, my friend took Beauty and the Beast, made the beast a female werewolf who then had to struggle with self identity because she was hetero and then imprinted on a girl. Maybe putting plot on the backburner and focusing on just your characters might help?
Delete...aaaand thanks to Twitter, you know what this inspired. >_<
DeleteYou know, I've taken long periods of time off. Ease up on the pressure, eh? It will come in its own time, if you're not stressed about it. Promise.
ReplyDeleteI don't know. I've taken breaks before and I come back to the same problems I left behind. I feel empty when I'm not working on writing and wretched when it's not going well, so... yeah.
DeleteYou're definitely not alone. I've found that for some reason, my stories now need a very long time to simmer. I'm not sure why this is the case lately, but realizing it has helped me see that the process is largely out of my control (been working on my current WIP since 2011).
ReplyDeleteI have learned that my stories need time before I'm really ready to work on them, true. But having absolutely nothing work, no matter the time involved? That's something different. >_<
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