I've been thinking about this for a while, and after last week's entry, I decided it was time: I'm going to take a quasi-break from writing for the rest of May, and I will not be updating my blog during that time.
The lack of blog updates is the less obvious one, so I'll address that first. I've been updating this thing regularly(-ish) for five years. Lately, I've started to feel like I'm just repeating myself - most of my recent entries are variants on "I'm having this issue", "I learned something", and "everything is horrible", with occasional forays into "things are actually going well" and "I liked this book". This will only get worse if I'm on a break.
So, this will be my last blog update until June 7th, for the next IWSG.
As for taking a break, I know people have been advising me to do that since at least March. I've resisted it because I didn't think it would make any difference. The last time I took a break, when I came back from it, it didn't seem that anything had changed. Like I said in that entry, I'm a miserable fuck without writing, but I'm a miserable fuck with it, so really, what's the difference? But I'd rather not be miserable, so I sat down and spent some time thinking about taking a break, to see if it was really something I should do.
Then it hit me: I have not come up with anything that works for more than an entire year.
Having ideas crash and burn is nothing new for me. That's been happening since pretty much forever. But spending an entire year fumbling at plots, at throwing every idea I've had against the wall and not making any of them stick? That's new. And that's not good, to say the absolute least.
In short, I'm utterly and completely burned out on the one thing in life that truly makes me happy.
So I need to take some time to figure out what's gone so wrong for me and see if I can either get back to where I used to be or move on to something better than where I am now. I don't mean for this to be a complete break; I'll still write down things as they come to me and hopefully that will go well. But I'll do my best to not put pressure on myself to get work done. I definitely won't open my word processor and stare at the blank page for a good half-hour, hating myself the entire time. I'll write what I want when I want to, and hopefully it'll work out, though I'll settle for it just not being bad.
That's where I am right now. Writing this has been depressing as all hell, since I think the odds are good this won't matter much in the end. But I've been wrong before. I'll see how this one goes.
See y'all in about a month.