"The writer who loses his self-doubt, who gives way as he grows old to a sudden euphoria, to prolixity, should stop writing immediately: the time has come for him to lay aside his pen."--Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette
Two weeks ago, my therapist started off our weekly session as she always does, by asking me how I'm doing. I said, "Mercurial," and she gave me a funny look and said I'd responded like that before.
For the record, funny looks from my therapist are nothing new. But still. It's started to hit me recently, with everything that's going on in my life and with my work, that this incredible back-and-forth in how I'm feeling about my writing might actually be the natural state for a writer. Sometimes I can handle everything I need to, and when the work isn't going well, I can step away and figure it out later. Sometimes a single thing doesn't work and it ruins me for the night, and I hate myself and everything I've ever done and hiding inside an enormous book fort for the rest of my life sounds like a great idea.
Looking back, I don't know if there's ever been a time when I wasn't all kinds of back-and-forth about how good of a writer I was, or if I was... going to....
Wait. I just realized. There was a time when I was always confident in my writing, certain that everyone would love my work and I'd get published right away and my first epic fantasy trilogy would be on every bestseller list ever. It was when I was writing my first three books. And you know what? Every single one of those books was bad.
It took those three tries to make me realize this was going to be harder than I thought. And as appropriate for IWSG, I've been insecure and questioning about this whole thing ever since. Spending way too long trying to write short stories only made it worse, as I did well with those maybe once. Going back to novels only made the rollercoaster's ups and downs more dramatic, as it was (and still is) a lot of investing in one big story with no way to know if it's going to work out or not.
All of my books so far have been in the "or not" category, which is what leads me to posts like last month's IWSG, where I talked about quitting it all. It's easy to think the ups and downs aren't worth it. But this is the way this particular ride goes, and I'm still on it.
And if it leads to a writer whose work I enjoy and whom I personally respect using me as an example of how you win? I must be doing something right.This, right here, is how you win. It took me 15 years to sell my first book. https://t.co/4EqgiU5KKN— Myke Cole (@MykeCole) April 3, 2017
In the beginning, ignorance is bliss. Then the truth comes out and we're never the same afterwards.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I ever believed that ignorance was bliss until I actually experienced it. Kind of wish I'd learned that sooner, but what can you do?
DeleteI can relate to your tale; I, too, thought my first book, a mystery, was a sparkling gem of delight. Now--meh. But I'm still writing, still learning. Happy scribbling to you.
ReplyDeleteOur earliest writing is always embarrassing in retrospect, isn't it? I keep hoping I won't say the same about my current work in another fifteen years. >_<
DeleteIgnorance IS bliss. (Alex stole my line.) We all go through that stage, until we learned exactly how much we don't know. It's a rite of passage if you ask me. =)
ReplyDeleteI think that's a good way to look at it. And it's a rite we have to go through, far better than getting something bad published and having it out there with our name on it for all eternity. >_<
DeleteI think the vision of what your book is vital. It's your north star; it maps out what the future can be if you never stop trying.
ReplyDeleteI like that. Though I do wish it wasn't so easy to lose track of what the vision of the book is meant to be. That's something I plan to write about next time.
DeleteHi, Mason! I'm making the rounds as an IWSG co-host today ~ coming a little late as I have unexpected company today. Such is life. I'm rarely confident about my writing; and if I am, I usually get knocked down because there is so much I have to learn! So I try not to worry about all my insecurities and just write. Happy writing in April! May the words flow beautifully!
ReplyDeleteThank you. ^_^ And as much as I try to "just write", it's very difficult for me to not think of everything else, at any stage of the process.
DeleteIt is a sweet dream until reality hits. And it hits hard.
ReplyDeleteIt really does. >_< That's part of why the querying issue with STARWIND got to me as much as it did.
DeleteHa, yes! I remember that confidence that my work was brilliant. It was sorely misplaced. :/
ReplyDeleteNow I understand everything better, including what I don't know, what I'm not good at, and what I can't control. Mercurial confidence is the hallmark of an author who finally understands what it means to be a writer.
That's somewhat reassuring. And I have heard that a lot of authors go through this, yeah. But it's one of those things where knowing others deal with it sadly doesn't make it any easier to handle.
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