I wasn't sure if I'd be able to write this entry. There were times when I thought about what I'd do if I couldn't; I'd make a brief post saying that the hiatus was extended indefinitely, and use the strikeout tag on my blog's main title as a visual to show the place was closed. Also, I'd strike out the word 'writing' from the sub-title, because I knew that if I had to go on that sort of hiatus, it meant I didn't feel like a writer anymore.
I'm glad things didn't turn out that way.
The past month has been rough, though. I've been in the habit of sitting down and working on something, or at least trying to, for so long that it feels very strange to not write. There were many days where I went to bed early, feeling useless and telling myself that I shouldn't, because I'd made the deal with myself that I would only work on writing stuff if I felt like it. And when I did feel like it, sometimes it went well. Other times... less so. Sometimes very, very less so.
I've been through the hardships of this whole process over and over again over the past five years. It's not like I need to recount them - hell, we all have our stories of dealing with this shit. There's a reason they call a gathering of authors at a convention a "barload". (Fun fact: I have no idea where I heard that term, because when I Google it, the second result is a post I made referencing it, and the first result is a page referencing that page.) What matters is how I got through it.
As much as I'd love to make this into a mini-epic, the biggest part of it is that I was focused too much on publishing, and unable to keep myself from thinking about it even at the earliest stages of a work. Depression makes it really, really easy to think "this will never sell" and go no further when all I've got is two and a half sentences in my idea file. I also was trying way too hard to figure out the full stories for my various projects without spending enough time developing the characters and world. This combined with my depression led me to think it didn't matter what I figured out because no one would ever want to read it, so... yeah.
Lather and repeat that often enough, and you have one seriously tangled-up author. I needed to rinse.
My therapist suggested two things, one of which I'll do. I need to do some writing that's just for the sake of writing - it might be fanfic, it might be brief character pieces, it might be what happens when I to go TV Tropes, click the "random trope" button three times, and write something based on the results. The point is to get me to loosen up and just enjoy the craft again, without all the baggage.
And who knows? Maybe something good will come out of the random writings. Maybe I'll post some here; my therapist recommended that so I can get feedback and feel less like nobody wants to read my work. Maybe I'll look at them the next day and print them out just so I can burn them. Anything's possible.
Anyway, I'm back at this again. And while I'll try working every night, I've learned not to force myself to. Here's hoping I have more entries with better things to say in the future.