Wednesday, June 7, 2017

IWSG: Finding My Way Back.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to write this entry.  There were times when I thought about what I'd do if I couldn't; I'd make a brief post saying that the hiatus was extended indefinitely, and use the strikeout tag on my blog's main title as a visual to show the place was closed.  Also, I'd strike out the word 'writing' from the sub-title, because I knew that if I had to go on that sort of hiatus, it meant I didn't feel like a writer anymore.

I'm glad things didn't turn out that way.

The past month has been rough, though.  I've been in the habit of sitting down and working on something, or at least trying to, for so long that it feels very strange to not write.  There were many days where I went to bed early, feeling useless and telling myself that I shouldn't, because I'd made the deal with myself that I would only work on writing stuff if I felt like it.  And when I did feel like it, sometimes it went well.  Other times... less so.  Sometimes very, very less so.

I've been through the hardships of this whole process over and over again over the past five years.  It's not like I need to recount them - hell, we all have our stories of dealing with this shit.  There's a reason they call a gathering of authors at a convention a "barload".  (Fun fact: I have no idea where I heard that term, because when I Google it, the second result is a post I made referencing it, and the first result is a page referencing that page.)  What matters is how I got through it.

As much as I'd love to make this into a mini-epic, the biggest part of it is that I was focused too much on publishing, and unable to keep myself from thinking about it even at the earliest stages of a work.  Depression makes it really, really easy to think "this will never sell" and go no further when all I've got is two and a half sentences in my idea file.  I also was trying way too hard to figure out the full stories for my various projects without spending enough time developing the characters and world.  This combined with my depression led me to think it didn't matter what I figured out because no one would ever want to read it, so... yeah.

Lather and repeat that often enough, and you have one seriously tangled-up author.  I needed to rinse.

My therapist suggested two things, one of which I'll do.  I need to do some writing that's just for the sake of writing - it might be fanfic, it might be brief character pieces, it might be what happens when I to go TV Tropes, click the "random trope" button three times, and write something based on the results.  The point is to get me to loosen up and just enjoy the craft again, without all the baggage.

And who knows?  Maybe something good will come out of the random writings.  Maybe I'll post some here; my therapist recommended that so I can get feedback and feel less like nobody wants to read my work.  Maybe I'll look at them the next day and print them out just so I can burn them.  Anything's possible.

Anyway, I'm back at this again.  And while I'll try working every night, I've learned not to force myself to.  Here's hoping I have more entries with better things to say in the future.

18 comments:

  1. Hi, Mason. A Barload of writers? That's hilarious. I'll try to remember that for my next critique group meeting. I like your idea of taking a break to do some fun-only writing projects with no publishing goals in sight. For me, it's writing manifestos in my journal that warms up my writing engine. They're truly pompous and obnoxious--no one would ever want to read my pontifications. But I find the change refreshing, and sometimes I uncover something I can use in a fiction project. I wish you more muse, and happy scribblings.

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    1. Thank you. ^_^ I plan to do the fun stuff along with my usual work, but I'm still figuring out how all this is going to go. I just plain need more time to write.

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  2. I'm glad to hear you're back, Mason, even though it's been rough. I look forward to reading whatever pieces you post. :)

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    1. I'm torn between "Thank you, it's good to be back" and "You say that now, but wait until I actually post something". :P

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    2. Aw, come on now. I've read your stuff, remember?

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    3. You volunteered to read one of my books twice. I wouldn't forget that. ^_^ I'm just saying that I could, I don't know, make a really gripping story end with a horrible pun or something. :P

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  3. I hear you about focusing too much on publishing and not enough on the creating. That was part of why I participated in the Story A Day challenge last month. It got me focused again on what was important - the act of writing. Good luck to you! :)

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    1. Thanks. ^_^ And I'm glad the daily challenge worked for you, but I know something like that would just stress me out. I don't do well with self-imposed challenges like that.

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  4. A barload - congratulations, you just made up a term.
    Get back to writing for fun. Don't worry about results. If you enjoy what you're writing, you'll do more, feel better, and maybe someone else will enjoy reading it as well later on.

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    1. I didn't make it up, though - I think I saw it among some authors talking on Twitter, but now I can't remember who. >_<

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  5. Find the love for sure. At one point, I warmed my way back in with silly poetry. Meaning, I didn't have to keep a meter or rhyme, and it was totally find to be sing-songy. Keep at it, and I know you'll fall back in love with your craft. Eventually. =)

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    1. Love was never the problem, it was - like any relationship - making it work. :P But yeah, I've been working on not worrying so much about where it's going and trying to just enjoy the ride.

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  6. You know I think you're an excellent writer. And if you don't, well now you do. But I get the depression thing. Except, I'm the opposite of you. I don't like to think about the publishing part of stuff. I just want to write. And believe me, it feels good when that's all you want.

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    1. Thank you. ^_^ And if just writing was all I wanted, then I'd probably be doing fine. But I want to be read. And since self-publishing isn't for me, well... here I am.

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  7. I'm glad you feel more like yourself again. Also, I think there are some very big fan fic moments right now. (I'm thinking a bit of filling in the blanks for certain DC movie peeps).

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    1. Full disclosure: I've been narrating a Thor vs. Wonder Woman fight story in my head all day. It ends with them drinking an entire bar together and becoming BFFs.

      ...it's a work in progress. :P

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  8. Glad you're back. That publishing push does damper the writing. I've been diving into the short story world lately and cruising through all sorts of genres just for fun. Hopefully, I'll find my way back to a novel soon.

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    1. Thanks. In a weird way, I think this was all easier when I was young and naive enough to think I was good enough to get published no matter what I wrote, so I didn't worry about it. That didn't quite work out the way I hoped. >_<

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